The Magic of Speaking Your Truth

Embracing and Living Your TRUTH the first step to Living Authentically and Living your Power!!! 

I've spent a lot of time with self help books...oh have I! I didn't have the easiest childhood. Not because my parents weren't wonderful people who loved and adored me but because we moved around frequently and I was constantly adjusting to new towns, new schools, new ways to dress, new people. No, we weren't a military family, my father was changing professions from a jazz bass player in LA to a PHD in Psychology. We moved around all over the country in the process. So I had never had any long term friends or network of people around. And my parents, also affected by all the moving around, tragically had a very difficult time keeping their marriage working. So, sadly, they divorced when I was 11 years old. I'm an only child so they were pretty much it as far as my family and connections went. Along with our dog...Mojo 

My father was broken hearted and my mother fell into a loss of confidence and strength that devastated her . And worst of all, my mother and I eventually moved very far away from my father so I hardly ever saw him. My father and I were incredibly close so leaving him left me almost irreparably broken. I was flailing everyday trying to keep it together as I moved from Junior High to High School in yet another new school in a new city.  My only grounding anchor, my only safe bubble, my family had exploded and was shattered in front of my eyes. It shook me to my core. I lost my sense of self in those years. Lost my confidence, my self pride, my safety, my courage, my everything. 

It has taken me years, taken me really getting into adult hood and making what seems like endless mistake after mistake,  to really look internally and begin healing the broken pieces inside me. 

And only after a great deal of self reflection, self observation, and self-realization through yoga, meditation, endless self help books, therapy, talks with my father ( and my mother when she was alive), seminars and new age gurus, did I start to see my patterns and repeating issues clearly so I can begin to heal them. I am swimming in them and rebuilding as we speak. There are many things to work on but one little book in the sea of many self help books seemed to break me open somehow and cause a real "breakthrough."

I haven't had many of those kinds of breakthroughs. I'm always jealous of those I hear who had this breakthrough and their life changed over night. For me it's - I have the breakthrough mentally but can't really get the consistant behavior to match up with it. It's one step forward and two steps back. That's why this one little book was so powerful for me. It actually changed me as I was reading it. It caused me to act differently immediately within an hour of putting the book down after just a few pages. And I feel that the change has lasted, is here to stay,  and has most certainly improved my life for the better. The book is called: Know Your Truth, Speak Your Truth, Live Your Truth by Eileen R Hannegan. 

The reason I loved this book so much is that not only does it get to the heart of finding your Truth, but it emphasized the importance of "Speaking Your Truth." Of taking action on your truth and why that step is soooo important. I think it's not uncommon for a woman in a a male dominated profession ( the music business) to keep quite, smile and nod quite often when she is in her professional surrounding. I know I definitely did and it was constantly creating feelings of Anger and Victimization every day. Anger and Victimization are very close relatives, I find that they are always connected to each other in some way.

And it wasn't just in my profession. It was with my mother, my friends, my boyfriends, you name it. I was playing a role, a facade that wasn't me. The people pleaser. The go along to get along....God it's exhausting! And when I wouldn't speak my truth on a myriad of different topics in a myriad of different situations: politics, work, my needs, when I felt disrespected or disregarded etc, I would always walk away and get angry about it later. I would vent to my partner, my mom, my dad, my friends or my journal all the while not doing what I really needed to do which was speak the truth directly to the person or situation concerned.  It's a toxic pattern. Because you bring home all that anger and frustration and dump it on the wrong people or the wrong space.

Now, the other magical thing I discovered was that Speaking Your Truth doesn't mean "Going over there and giving that &%$$%$!!! a piece of my mind!!!" No that is rooted in VictimHood posturing as Powerful. No, the less angry and the more confidently calm and direct you are the better the results!! And the more you're really standing in your personal power. And no one has to hate each other or get in a big fight. Most of the time, I found that whoever the person involved was, was GLAD to do what I needed or asked. All I had to do was ask.

On top of that, you immediately gain RESPECT from the other person. I found that if you keep sending out the signal that you're not going to make waves or make demands, people will kind of roll over you expecting you to just go along with it. And the minute you actually, with poise and grace, or even humor ( very effective at times) make a stand or a request, they instantly fall in line like..."Oh..wow...ok...I didn't think it mattered to you" And now you have shown them differently and they will be different.

So I went from thinking that "Speaking Your Truth" was going to "make others mad" or "make everything uncomfortable" to feeling like "Speaking my Truth" is this amazing way to Live my Truth with Power and Confidence in my life ...I LOVE IT. And it instantly pops the "victimization" bubble. Really!! No joke! That pent up feeling of frustration and lingering anger or rage that builds up after walking away from a situation when you have swallowed your truth just disappears  I mean instantly! Totally transformative! I highly recommend it! It's magically life changing. And Empowering!

At the heart of my issues was the lack of feeling Powerful or Expressing my personal Power. Speaking your Truth just busts you into your Power. Beams you right to it! Life changing! Enjoy!

Apathy trapathy

malfunction


What the f??? I've realized that I think my worst enemy isn't fear but complete Apathy! It's horrible. I've been drowning in Despondency, Apathy, and Fatigue for about 4 days now. Ok, yes, there is a very good chance that this is related to that certain female cycle. The numbers add up to the sum total of the zone of notorious mood swings, relentless fatigue, constant irritation, and random fits of crying because of a commercial, a comment or because I have to learn the song "Danny Boy." For the love of God, that song will tear your heart out. p.s. the only thing that saved me was the muppets version of Danny Boy. But I could even handle these random outbursts of tears, annoying irritations, and unbridled emotions  better if I wasn't also ensconced in the murky, muggy "cloud of Apathy and Fatigue."


So not only does the cloud completely take the wind out of my sails to do ANYTHING - including putting my laundry away, taking out the recycling and making the bed, but it also certainly doesn't help my forwarding of my goals and stuff. So it led me to think, "Am I the only one who goes through this?" "I mean, everyone else seems to just be going along, getting tons of things done, forwarding their life purpose. What's wrong with me? " It can feel very isolating.


So I'm determined to get some coping mechanisms for this tidal wave of "why bother??!" when it hits so I don't feel like I've AGAIN wasted 4 days of my life. Caffeine helps. Although on Tuesday I had 2 cups of coffee, a sugar free red bull, and a cosmic cranberry kombucha and I still passed out at 3pm...what the f?? Nothing kills my game like apathy and fatigue. Although I must say, I'm getting a new appreciating for the afternoon nap.


I know the spiritual answer is to just "not resist what is and allow the apathy." But then, honestly, I just feel like a lame slug.


So I'm drinking lots of water, eating lots of veggies, and enjoying an afternoon cup of green tea( after the nap, of course. Hopefully this will end in a couple of days. If anyone reading this has any other coping tools for this little droopy time, I'd be ever so grateful.


magic


But even while stumbling through the apathy fog, I still have to perform my shows. And last night, as it happens, the audience gives back to me when I need it.  DNA Sings played last night and we had a swarm of love shower us. Particularly these two fellows. They looked like bruising burley guys but underneath it all they were big teddy bears. One fellow in particular looked like he had seen his share of bars wan't far away from being homeless but he was beaming with joy. But then he donated quite a large sum of money to our tip jar ( so you can't judge a book by it's cover) and said that he was a harmonica player and loved my harmonica playing. He told Dave that he LOVED his guitar playing. I think he called Dave "iconic." The burley fellows said that they had not the best of days and we lifted them out of their funk.  When the music I play lifts people up, maybe out of whatever sadness or apathy they were feeling that day it is the biggest reward of them all.


views on the news


Simply can't escape the Charlie Sheen fascination. Is he the new revolution embodied? Standing up to the establishment, getting the people behind him on Twitter, refusing to be intimidated or bullied, using the media to forward his cause. Or is he really just bi-polar and about ready to crash into a mountain?
There is clearly an uproar happening in the rest of the world. Revolutionaries are using social networking formats to bring down dictatorships and unjustness in faster more efficient ways than we've ever seen. I'm certainly not putting Sheen in the same category as these transformational world changes, but it's definitely got me looking at all sides.

taking the plunge

OK, here it goes, my first blog. Until now, I have been too afraid to blog. Afraid of what? Offending someone, revealing my true self, not being perfect, showing that I'm really not the person that everyone thinks I am, saying something that pisses someone off. The list goes on. It is now undeniably clear to me that I have been paralyzed by this fear and a myriad of different fears my whole life. What has caused these fears? The answer to that involves lying on the couch and unloading my entire life - my childhood, family dynamics, relationship choices, career, demons, desires, and disasters. Therein lies the reason I want to blog. It's time to get over all this shit and move on. Time to steer my own life, time to really take the reigns and step up to be the person I know I can be. Time to stop letting others some silently, some not so silently, control me. Time to bust out of the apathy, depression, procrastination and self-doubt that follows from allowing yourself to be controlled by others without even really being cognizant of it. But I have to get over this stupid, annoying, persistent little gremlin called "fear" in order to do it so here it goes....

Today is Sunday. I love Sunday because it is the day that I've chosen to be the day that I get to do anything I want. Lay around in bed all day surfing the net, walk around the neighborhood and buy natural face creams, watch movies all day, drink copious amounts of white wine ( it's the only alcohol I drink) ...whatever. I also allow myself to break my usual Anna food plan which basically consists of LOTS of vegetables, a little fish, fruits, whole grains, and a few glasses of wine.

I basically eat what I call a Pescetarian Mediterranean diet. Which is essentially the Mediterranean diet with fish as the only animal protein consumed. I've flirted with vegan ism because I'm a huge animal advocate but I just didn't feel satisfied with all of the processed soy products and all of my reading suggests that wild fish is VERY good for we humans. And frankly, I just feel better when I have a little piece of fish with my vegetable smorgasbord, that's just me. I think we each have to find what works for our bodies but I believe in conscience eating. Being aware of where your food comes from and what it does to your body. I completely support those who are vegan and learned a great deal when I adopted the vegan diet for awhile. It forever changed my conscientiousness. Like I've really dialed back my consumption of dairy products...and other things. I also enjoy eggs occasionally. So I look for eggs by local farmers with happy chickens. I eat very little cheese ( and I try to find organic happy farm cheese). I look for wild fish not farm raised. I don't eat chicken, beef or pork ( oh the poor sweet little pigs). I cannot support the torture chambers that these poor animals have to live in so I take a strong stand on that front. And p.s. - the Mediterranean diet is excellent for our skin. All that olive oil, fresh veggies and fruit is a super skin nurturing formula. Just read "The Wrinkle Cure"

Anyway, on Sunday, I allow myself all the foods that I gently turn away from during the week. Cookies, french fries, potato chips, veggie pizza etc... I believe that it's important to always allow yourself a day to let the steam out and indulge. Knowing that I have Sunday makes it easier to abstain during the week. If I see that huge beautiful sugar cookie with white frosting sitting so pristinely in the coffee shop on a Tuesday I just say to myself, "I can have it on Sunday" This helps me not feel deprived. This method has been extremely successful in keeping myself very lean, healthy, and happy.

I am a yogi. Yoga is the only physical exercise I do ( besides performing on stage which is a whole other blog). I believe yoga is the perfect physical activity ( again another blog).

So, here I am lying in bed, my sweet is next to me. It's 1:00pm on Sunday. My laptop is on my lap, the television is on in the background. Channel surfing between "The Sopranos" , the news and the "Palladia" Channel ( tons of cool live concerts - great research for my singer/songwriter/performer self. ) Right now we've just landed on the "HDNet" channel because it's showing a James Taylor concert. My favorite kind of concert. Just him and a guitar, with a little accompanyment from a pianist on a baby grand piano. Absolutely lovely. And right in line with my duet - "DNA Sings"

So I think that's it for now. Thank you for being here and sharing in my "coming out" party. The "coming out of my Authentic Self." That is the journey I'm on. The quest for, exploration of, and celebration of my Authentic Self. It's a big step for me. And I want to change my life. Every bone in my body says this is the first step. Again thank you...