I haven't written in a very long time. The ebs and flows I've experienced since last year's tragedy has definitely affected my drive to blog, my drive to write, my drive to do anything but stay home in bed with my cat. But the new year is starting out very well for me. I'm singing quite a bit. Lot's of singing work. Many private parties, events and concerts that keep the money coming in and keep my instrument hot. I'm also back to my studio writing new songs and recrafting older songs in preparation for recording. It feels great to be motivated to go back to my art, soul project. My original music.
I've been headed back to yoga on a more consistent basis as well. I've found 2 teachers that I really enjoy and I bounce back and forth between their classes. Finding the right teacher is everything. The wrong teacher can really sour what would have been a wonderful yoga experience. If the teacher is pushing too hard or too caught up in the "workout" of it forgetting about the connected flow that must remain, yoga can be painstakingly unpleasant. And you can easily injure yourself. So I stick with the teachers I know, or I do my own practice at home. But there is something very focusing about going to a class. No phones or computers to distract me and I'm not constantly distracted by what I want to clean in my apartment. So going to a class helps me focus my full mind on the practice. So last night I went to one of my favorite classes and here was my experience:
It's dark out side, everyone is getting off of work and bustling to get home. A few of us committed yoginis carve our way to the 8pm yoga class. It's never as packed at the 6pm classes because, by that time, most people would rather be at home watching the Thursday night onslaught of favorite programs on the couch.
We all wait in the lobby while the other class finishes up. Then at around 7:45, the door opens. Sweaty calm bodies start slowly walking out into the lobby as we pass them walking into the studio. The room is very hot and moist from the previous class. The lights are dim. I find a corner spot by a buddha statue and a candle. I love the dark yoga classes. It helps foster the moving meditation that is supposed to accompany yoga. I settle in my spot, get my bolster, my block, my strap, all the tools that can be used to enhance or support my practice.
I am very very tired tonight. Dangerously tired. Have to be careful driving the car, tired. Left my purse in the lobby of the yoga studio tired…it was still there when i was done, i completely spaced. At times like that i feel truly protected by some other force. I have periods like this. Suffocatingly tired. It effects my productivity and life goals. The tiredness is usually accompanied by depression, apathy, and a general malaise. Do i have bi polar disorder?? Is it a swing state of my hormones because it is approaching that time of the month? Is it still the fallout from the grief of losing my mother? I never know but I usually HATE being tired and i get irritated and depressed because of it. But tonight, I decided to take a little Tolle with me. Eckart Tolle. In “The Power of Now”, my favorite book of his, a common theme that runs through it is “Resistance”…”Resistance to what it.” Tolle attributes this resistance to most of human suffering. That we simply won’t accept the moment as it is, we want it to be different, we fight it, push it, yank it, and try to drag it into what we WANT it to be rather than just accepting what it is. I was certainly feeling that way this evening. I so desperately wanted to have the “electric” energy that I have when I’m in a ‘high period” . But instead I released the resistance and just went with it.
I began the class very slowly and gently and only going as far as it felt good. I didn’t push every asana( yoga pose) to it’s furthest degree. I stayed right in the middle and took frequent rests. It worked magic. It didn’t really take my tiredness away but it helped me to have a very enjoyable class. Not fighting myself, just rolling through it. And actually it was a more focused, meditative class because my mind was simply to tired to be jumping around like a monkey.
Many say that it is in these tired moments that we find clarity or discoveries. Because we just allow the moment to be what it is. So as it happened, I had one of those epiphanies about midway through the class. I realized that all of the asanas are more grounded and still when i really focus on my Core. Which means the stomach. keeping the muscles of your stomach engaged to act as an anchor for your body. Then all of your limbs ( arms and legs) just grow from that grounded solid place. Many of us see the “tricks” of yoga poses. The arms and legs flying out, the impressive poses. And all we see are the flashy parts. We don’t see the rock solid core that has to be engaged to really make the asanas happen truthfully. When i focused on the core , all of the asanas were easier, more fluid and more grounded.
Then it hit me, the metaphor for life. If we stay grounded within ourselves as we go about our day. We are less likely to be thrown off of our center. Less likely to be yanked into someone else's drama. Less likely to get all worked up by the other drivers. Less likely to lose our temper. Less likely to feel overwhelmed by our jobs, tasks, and daily bumbling. These epiphanies hit me all of the time in yoga. This is one of the reasons I love it so much. It is truly a constantly moving metaphor for life. All things we face on the mat can be related to that which we face in our lives. Our monkey minds, our egos, our self criticism, our difficulties just staying in the moment and most importantly the importance of our breath. Staying grounded in our breath, our core.
At 9:30pm the class came to it’s close. We were all lying in shavasana ( corpse pose) where you are just lying on your back, arms and legs at diagonals so you look like a long star, eyes closed and letting the heaviness of your body just sink into the earth. Although, I was operating at half mass all night, I was very glad I went. And the calm, centered , relaxed feeling stayed with me as I left the class and got into my car to drive home. Another wonderful part of yoga. You come out of the class floating in a calm centered place.
I knew I would sleep well, and I did.
So tonight, I have a gig with a big band extravaganza. I'll stay rested and calm today and bring a little yoga to the stage :-)
til next time ( which we be MUCH sooner than the last time) be well
namaste,
ciao
