The Magic of Speaking Your Truth

Embracing and Living Your TRUTH the first step to Living Authentically and Living your Power!!! 

I've spent a lot of time with self help books...oh have I! I didn't have the easiest childhood. Not because my parents weren't wonderful people who loved and adored me but because we moved around frequently and I was constantly adjusting to new towns, new schools, new ways to dress, new people. No, we weren't a military family, my father was changing professions from a jazz bass player in LA to a PHD in Psychology. We moved around all over the country in the process. So I had never had any long term friends or network of people around. And my parents, also affected by all the moving around, tragically had a very difficult time keeping their marriage working. So, sadly, they divorced when I was 11 years old. I'm an only child so they were pretty much it as far as my family and connections went. Along with our dog...Mojo 

My father was broken hearted and my mother fell into a loss of confidence and strength that devastated her . And worst of all, my mother and I eventually moved very far away from my father so I hardly ever saw him. My father and I were incredibly close so leaving him left me almost irreparably broken. I was flailing everyday trying to keep it together as I moved from Junior High to High School in yet another new school in a new city.  My only grounding anchor, my only safe bubble, my family had exploded and was shattered in front of my eyes. It shook me to my core. I lost my sense of self in those years. Lost my confidence, my self pride, my safety, my courage, my everything. 

It has taken me years, taken me really getting into adult hood and making what seems like endless mistake after mistake,  to really look internally and begin healing the broken pieces inside me. 

And only after a great deal of self reflection, self observation, and self-realization through yoga, meditation, endless self help books, therapy, talks with my father ( and my mother when she was alive), seminars and new age gurus, did I start to see my patterns and repeating issues clearly so I can begin to heal them. I am swimming in them and rebuilding as we speak. There are many things to work on but one little book in the sea of many self help books seemed to break me open somehow and cause a real "breakthrough."

I haven't had many of those kinds of breakthroughs. I'm always jealous of those I hear who had this breakthrough and their life changed over night. For me it's - I have the breakthrough mentally but can't really get the consistant behavior to match up with it. It's one step forward and two steps back. That's why this one little book was so powerful for me. It actually changed me as I was reading it. It caused me to act differently immediately within an hour of putting the book down after just a few pages. And I feel that the change has lasted, is here to stay,  and has most certainly improved my life for the better. The book is called: Know Your Truth, Speak Your Truth, Live Your Truth by Eileen R Hannegan. 

The reason I loved this book so much is that not only does it get to the heart of finding your Truth, but it emphasized the importance of "Speaking Your Truth." Of taking action on your truth and why that step is soooo important. I think it's not uncommon for a woman in a a male dominated profession ( the music business) to keep quite, smile and nod quite often when she is in her professional surrounding. I know I definitely did and it was constantly creating feelings of Anger and Victimization every day. Anger and Victimization are very close relatives, I find that they are always connected to each other in some way.

And it wasn't just in my profession. It was with my mother, my friends, my boyfriends, you name it. I was playing a role, a facade that wasn't me. The people pleaser. The go along to get along....God it's exhausting! And when I wouldn't speak my truth on a myriad of different topics in a myriad of different situations: politics, work, my needs, when I felt disrespected or disregarded etc, I would always walk away and get angry about it later. I would vent to my partner, my mom, my dad, my friends or my journal all the while not doing what I really needed to do which was speak the truth directly to the person or situation concerned.  It's a toxic pattern. Because you bring home all that anger and frustration and dump it on the wrong people or the wrong space.

Now, the other magical thing I discovered was that Speaking Your Truth doesn't mean "Going over there and giving that &%$$%$!!! a piece of my mind!!!" No that is rooted in VictimHood posturing as Powerful. No, the less angry and the more confidently calm and direct you are the better the results!! And the more you're really standing in your personal power. And no one has to hate each other or get in a big fight. Most of the time, I found that whoever the person involved was, was GLAD to do what I needed or asked. All I had to do was ask.

On top of that, you immediately gain RESPECT from the other person. I found that if you keep sending out the signal that you're not going to make waves or make demands, people will kind of roll over you expecting you to just go along with it. And the minute you actually, with poise and grace, or even humor ( very effective at times) make a stand or a request, they instantly fall in line like..."Oh..wow...ok...I didn't think it mattered to you" And now you have shown them differently and they will be different.

So I went from thinking that "Speaking Your Truth" was going to "make others mad" or "make everything uncomfortable" to feeling like "Speaking my Truth" is this amazing way to Live my Truth with Power and Confidence in my life ...I LOVE IT. And it instantly pops the "victimization" bubble. Really!! No joke! That pent up feeling of frustration and lingering anger or rage that builds up after walking away from a situation when you have swallowed your truth just disappears  I mean instantly! Totally transformative! I highly recommend it! It's magically life changing. And Empowering!

At the heart of my issues was the lack of feeling Powerful or Expressing my personal Power. Speaking your Truth just busts you into your Power. Beams you right to it! Life changing! Enjoy!

Grounded in the Core

I haven't written in a very long time. The ebs and flows I've experienced since last year's tragedy has definitely affected my drive to blog, my drive to write, my drive to do anything but stay home in bed with my cat.  But the new year is starting out very well for me. I'm singing quite a bit. Lot's of singing work. Many private parties, events and concerts that keep the money coming in and keep my instrument hot. I'm also back to my studio writing new songs and recrafting older songs in preparation for recording. It feels great to be motivated to go back to my art, soul project. My original music. 

I've been headed back to yoga on a more consistent basis as well. I've found 2 teachers that I really enjoy and I bounce back and forth between their classes. Finding the right teacher is everything. The wrong teacher can really sour what would have been a wonderful yoga experience. If the teacher is pushing too hard or too caught up in the "workout" of it forgetting about the connected flow that must remain, yoga can be painstakingly unpleasant. And you can easily injure yourself. So I stick with the teachers I know, or I do my own practice at home. But there is something very focusing about going to a class. No phones or computers to distract me and I'm not constantly distracted by what I want to clean in my apartment. So going to a class helps me focus my full mind on the practice. So last night I went to one of my favorite classes and here was my experience: 

It's dark out side, everyone is getting off of work and bustling to get home. A few of us committed yoginis carve our way to the 8pm yoga class. It's never as packed at the 6pm classes because, by that time,  most people would rather be at home watching the Thursday night onslaught of favorite programs on the couch. 

We all wait in the lobby while the other class finishes up. Then at around 7:45, the door opens. Sweaty calm bodies start slowly walking out into the lobby as we pass them walking into the studio. The room is very hot and moist from the previous class. The lights are dim. I find a corner spot by a buddha statue and a candle. I love the dark yoga classes. It helps foster the moving meditation that is supposed to accompany yoga. I settle in my spot, get my bolster, my block,  my strap, all the tools that can be used to enhance or support my practice. 

I am very very tired tonight. Dangerously tired. Have to be careful driving the car, tired. Left my purse in the lobby of the yoga studio tired…it was still there when i was done, i completely spaced. At times like that i feel truly protected by some other force. I have periods like this. Suffocatingly tired. It effects my productivity and life goals. The tiredness is usually accompanied by depression, apathy, and a general malaise. Do i have bi polar disorder?? Is it a swing state of my hormones because it is approaching that time of the month? Is it still the fallout from the grief of losing my mother? I never know but I usually HATE being tired and i get irritated and depressed because of it. But tonight, I decided to take a little Tolle with me. Eckart Tolle. In “The Power of Now”, my favorite book of his, a common theme that runs through it is “Resistance”…”Resistance to what it.” Tolle attributes this resistance to most of human suffering. That we simply won’t accept the moment as it is, we want it to be different, we fight it, push it, yank it, and try to drag it into what we WANT it to be rather than just accepting what it is. I was certainly feeling that way this evening. I so desperately wanted to have the “electric” energy that I have when I’m in a ‘high period” . But instead I released the resistance and just went with it. 

I began the class very slowly and gently and only going as far as it felt good. I didn’t push every asana( yoga pose) to it’s furthest degree. I stayed right in the middle and took frequent rests. It worked magic. It didn’t really take my tiredness away but it helped me to have a very enjoyable class.  Not fighting myself, just rolling through it. And actually it was a more focused, meditative class because my mind was simply to tired to be jumping around like a monkey. 

Many say that it is in these tired moments that we find clarity or discoveries. Because we just allow the moment to be what it is. So as it happened, I had one of those epiphanies about midway through the class. I realized that all of the asanas are more grounded and still when i really focus on my Core. Which means the stomach. keeping the muscles of your stomach engaged to act as an anchor for your body. Then all of your limbs ( arms and legs) just grow from that grounded solid place. Many of us see the “tricks” of yoga poses. The arms and legs flying out, the impressive poses. And all we see are the flashy parts. We don’t see the rock solid core that has to be engaged to really make the asanas happen truthfully. When i focused on the core , all of the asanas were easier, more fluid and more grounded. 

Then it hit me, the metaphor for life. If we stay grounded within ourselves as we go about our day. We are less likely to be thrown off of our center. Less likely to be yanked into someone else's drama. Less likely to get all worked up by the other drivers. Less likely to lose our temper. Less likely to feel overwhelmed by our jobs, tasks, and daily bumbling. These epiphanies hit me all of the time in yoga. This is one of the reasons I love it so much. It is truly a constantly moving metaphor for life. All things we face on the mat can be related to that which we face in our lives. Our monkey minds, our egos, our self criticism, our difficulties just staying in the moment and most importantly the importance of our breath. Staying grounded in our breath, our core. 

At 9:30pm the class came to it’s close. We were all lying in shavasana ( corpse pose) where you are just lying on your back, arms and legs at diagonals so you look like a long star, eyes closed and letting the heaviness of your body just sink into the earth.  Although, I was operating at half mass all night, I was very glad I went. And the calm, centered , relaxed feeling stayed with me as I left the class and got into my car to drive home. Another wonderful part of yoga. You come out of the class floating in a calm centered place. 

I knew I would sleep well, and I did. 

So tonight, I have a gig with a big band extravaganza. I'll stay rested and calm today and bring a little yoga to the stage :-) 

til next time ( which we be MUCH sooner than the last time) be well

namaste, 

ciao

Goin' Cafe Style

I'm sitting in a lovely cafe around the corner from my house. They definitely got it right with this one. It's got a Parisian style, beautiful Venice style murals on the walls, lots of plants, lovely light music playing in the background, hardwood floors, quaint little wooden tables, big cozy couches if you're feeling more "loungey" and, of course, free wifi. I made myself come here to do some work and to write because I'm feeling the need to push myself out of my cave. It's very easy, in this post mom era, to hole up in my beautifully feng shui-ed nest every day. I do work, I play with Smokey, work , Smokey , work, Smokey. All good but, it's easier to slip into a little depression when I stay in, by myself too much.

So I researched some of the cafe's in my hood and found this little gem only a few blocks away. I have a performance tonight so it's nice to keep the day kind of light and breezy because I put out so much damn energy on stage.

Sunday was a harder day for me than expected. This is the first year of 911 where I know what it's like to lose a loved one. And to lose them suddenly in one day. Boom, they're just gone.

So this year all I could think about was all the husbands, wives, daughters and sons, mothers and fathers who all lost a dear one on that day. I was overwhelmed with missing my mother and with compassion and sadness for all the other grievers that day. But I got a healthy cry in and then I pushed myself out the door to go shopping for more feng shui stuff.


I tell you, the most recent coolest little feng shui ( and green) addition to my pad is the "SodaStream Jet" machine! It's spectacular! You see, I love fizzy drinks ( carbonated drinks) Diet Hansens from Trader Joes, kombuchas, just plain mineral water, soda and cran, soda and bitters...anything soda. It's so much more interesting than regular water. I love the texture. And I wind up drinking like 3 times the amount of water when it's fizzy which is all for the good. I do much better when I'm well hydrated.  But all those cans and bottles can take up lots of room in the fridge not to mention, lots of room in the recycling bin and therefore lots of room on our little planet. But this little device solves all those problems. You just fill up a bottle with regular water, insert it in the machine, press the button a couple of times and bam! your water's fizzy. It's great. There's no plug or battery, just a CO2 bottle in the back that you replace every couple of months. You can buy just about any flavoring of your choice to put in the water. Or just a squeeze of lime or lemon will do the trick too. It's simply spectacular! I highly recommend the Soda Stream to any fizzy drink fans out there. It's just absolutely refreshing!

The healing journey

This is my first post since April.

For the past few months I've wanted to come back to my blog but my thoughts were so dark and painful that I simply couldn't bring myself to write about it. I went from life changing discoveries to extreme emotional pain. Mainly just trying to keep it together to maintain my life. I've seen 2 individual therapists and attended a 5 week "grief counseling group". All of which have been very helpful moving toward healing.

The hardest time was really from March 7 ( the day my mother died) through early June. The taking care of all the details surrounding an unexpected death such as hers, while intensely grieving. It's amazing how difficult it is to take care of everything while trudging along in the molasses of such heavy emotion. The smallest tasks are somehow labored and stumbled; forget about the big tasks. And everything was up to me.

My parents divorced when I was little, she never remarried and I am an only child, so it was just me handling all of her affairs. The notice to the paper, the memorial, the bureaucracy, the possessions, the notifications, the legal necessities, the house, everything. Overwhelmed is a very small word. I'm very lucky that I had tremendous support from her friends and colleges and that I had my wonderful network of caring and sensitive friends. And most of all, that I had my amazingly supportive mate (my "sweet") with me at every step, and my wonderful father who, even though he lives thousands of miles away from me, was on call for me 24/7. They all were truly a gift. So because of all of them, I was never really alone. But at the end of the day, every day, it was just me, spinning around in my head trying to come to terms with this new reality I found myself in.

Since then, color has begun to come back into my life little by little and I am definitely seeing some blue sky. I'm not just living in a world of desolate grey. Last week, while in yoga, I had the insight that just about everything I'm doing right now is my way to heal myself. To help with the grief and to move on to this next chapter in my life in a healthy way. So I thought that's what I should write about. This journey of healing.

Now, I have my pitfalls for sure, and I'm sure they will be showing up in my blog as well. I didn't stray very far from a glass of white wine for the entire month of March, most of April and definitely over half of May. My mother and I frequently enjoyed white wine together. We had many a sprightly evenings drinking wine, laughing, talking, cooking...just being. Wine was our third buddy at times and so it's not hard to figure out why wine became a loyal companion of mine after her death. But my little liquid pal, when played with too much, very quickly starts taking away more than it's giving. So I began turning to other coping mechanisms that are far more healthy, more interesting, have more variety, are more creative and oddly enough, don't come with the dismal side effects.  I'll get into to those new coping mechanisms in a bit. Now I'm sure my little pal will still show up from time to time, but I'm getting many other new pals that are bringing me lots of joy and peace. So now I'll begin the dive into my healing journey.

The Journey Back

It's been treacherous terrain no doubt about it,  but some lovely discoveries, hints of magic and little miracles also seem to be dropping into my life that are instrumental in bringing the color back. Instrumental in helping me to regain a sense of who I am, and even transition into a stronger more self-expressed me, more self-actualized me. I am embracing the inevitable rebirth that accompanies death. And now my journey is one of healing. A journey back to me and a journey toward the evolving new me. Uncovering, discovering and recovering the truthful, authentic me.

There have been several specifics changes, behaviors and focuses that have led to the healing and rebuilding of myself. That is what I'd like to focus on for a while in this blog. The Healing Journey, The Journey Back. And probably the inevitable pit falls in the Journey.

Ok, in short the magic healing cocktail seems to be a combination of Feng Shui, Yoga, Meditation, many cozy moments wrapped in a blanket watching a movie,  anything that makes me laugh, piano playing, singing, writing, green tea, yerba matte tea, my father, my close friends, my incredibly supportive mate (my "sweet") and the clincher, my kitty "Smokey". "Smokey was my mother's cat but she and I bonded heavily the night she died and have kind of clung to each other ever since. She has added more than I ever could have imagined. To take on "mothering" a pet right after my mother died had a beautiful symmetry to it. All listed are prioritized heavily right now. My meds to heal my pain.

No matter how many times I try to describe the effect of my mother's death on me, it still seems to be hard to really get it across. At times I feel like I'm  expected to start my new original music project immediately and I just can't seem to do it. It seems premature. There is this overriding feeling that I have to heal my insides before I'm ready to create some new music. So my focus hasn't necessarily been music. Of course I'm doing lots of shows and gigs because I'm a professional working singer, I still love my acoustic duet "DNA Sings" and we're still playing every Wednesday night, but spearheading my own project has to wait until I feel more put together on the inside. That being said, all of these healing techniques, to me, are all part of my artistic journey as well. Anything that makes me feel invigorated, alive and happy gets more of my attention.

The first big breakthrough and really the most poignant and pivotal moment started when I discovered Feng Shui. Specifically the book  Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui. Life changing! This all began around the middle of June. I really had no idea how much this would change me. Change my outlook, ease my grief, ignite my hope about the future, empower me, excite me, and reground me into myself. It turned out to be soooo much more than just rearranging furniture and bringing in some flowers. Wow!

For those of you new to Feng Shui, it's essentially creating positive, abundant and flowing energy in your space. Feng Shui is an art and science that's over 3000 years old and it literally translates into "wind-water". Using the energy of the elements is very important in FS. Fire, water, wood, metal are all incorporated. It also asserts that individual sections of your space can be connected to certain parts of your life - creativity, relationship, career...etc. It focuses on making room for and enhancing your space so that the positive chi energy can flow to all the areas. So abundance and prosperity can flow. But before you can create that energy you have to get rid of a bunch of crap! A bunch of crap that's in your space that's probably blocking the energy from flowing. All your clutter. Not to alienate by sounding "new age-y" and stuff, but the change it makes is really powerful. It's like magical spring cleaning! But without getting too far down the rabbit hole I'll explain how it started.

I live in San Francisco and have an amazingly wonderful flat. I LOVE my apartment. It's been my nest, my cave, my safe place. It's one of those hardwood floor high ceiling San Francisco beauties. I've lived in it for 6 years now. I've been incredibly busy touring, performing, working, and just being pulled out of town constantly. In the last few years I've wanted to kind of "face-lift" my apartment but I simply hadn't had time. Hadn't had time to really get it looking and feeling the way I wanted. And I had been feeling more and more stagnant, cluttered and stuck in my apartment for a while. Even before my mom died. But after I tidied up her affairs and closed up her house, I was just left with my apartment. It was all I had left that could be called home so I began a fierce focus on making my space more enjoyable for me.  This was late May 2011. I was feeling the need for a serious change.

Well, on June 14 is when it all began to change. It was on that night that I had made a date to go out to dinner with a friend of mine (who I'll call "Amber" to respect her privacy). She's a wonderful woman who lives nearby. She has also just suffered a tremendous loss of a loved one so we became kind of soul connected. Before we went to dinner, we stepped into her apartment for a minute. I'd never seen her apartment and holy crap! It was beautiful! Like a museum. And the energy was so palpably LOVELY. What really struck me is that our apartments are very similar. Similar size, similar layout. But the difference in how her apartment felt and how mine felt was extraordinary. I was effusive in my compliments of her flat and she just humbly said. "I'm really into Feng Shui."

So, as we proceeded to the Thai place around the corner for dinner, we started talking Feng Shui. I told Amber that, oddly enough, another friend of mine had recommend a book to me about a month before my mother died. I had just left a band that I was in and I was ready for some reinventing. My friend said "This book will help. It's exactly what you need right now" As it turns out the book was Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui. Too coincidental indeed. Feng Shui was showing up everywhere.

After dinner Amber and I went to my apartment so she could give me some ideas of where to start. She made just a few suggestions and that did it. I was up until 3am scrubbing, moving, clearing and rearranging. It was so exciting! It was the first true feeling of inspiration or excitement I had felt since my mother's death. Smokey was en fuego while I was scrubbing. She was scurrying all around the apartment playing with her toys, picking up on my energy. We were both very excited. This was exciting stuff!

That night is when it all began. Over the next few days I read "Clear Your Clutter with Feng Shui" cover to cover. In the last 2 and 1/2 months, I've become a FS maniac. I've turned it into a verb. Anyone calls me and asks what I'm doing and my first answer is ... "I'm Feng Shui-ing." The Salvation Army has come to my house three separate times to haul away crap.  I've probably gone to Salvation Army, used clothing stores and used books stores a dozen times with bags and bags and bags of clothes, books, CD's pans, and just random crap to either sell or give away - all unused, hardly used or just taking up space. You'd be AMAZED at how much is in your house or apartment that is unused and taking up space that needs to transition to another home where it will be brought back to life. Or at how much of the stuff that you have has old, negative experiences, energies, and memories attached to it. So that when you see it, whether you know it or not, you're calling up old negative stuff and therefore blocking new cool positive stuff from coming in. The book really lays out the criteria to think about when clearing out your clutter.

The change in me has been dramatic and powerful. I feel lighter and free-er. I feel like I'm taking my life back. That I'm not just the victim of circumstance and grief but that I'm positively and proactively elevating my life. It is truly the first thing that helped me turn the corner from depressed and despondent to excited and hopeful.  The difference in the way my apartment feels is extraordinary. Everyone who comes over notices it. My mate couldn't believe it. He marvels at how it doesn't even feel like the same space. It's a small apartment but it feels twice as big as it did. And the energy is peaceful, playful, cozy, comfortable and grounded.

I'm not at all done with the FS. It really never ends. I think once you're bitten by the FS bug you're always looking around seeing how you can improve your space and it's a never ending mystical journey.

So that's it for my first blog back. Thanks all for listening. Soon to come is lots about yoga, meditation, friends, laughter, singing, art, music, living the truth...and anything else that points me in that excited or empowered direction. Or the little bumps in the road that I will inevitably run into. I will be writing much more frequently. It's part of my self-imposed healing journey. And they might not all be as long. I just kind of felt the need to catch up on all the goings-ons since April.

I still miss my mother every day. And wish she was here to see and share all the changes caused by my FS explosion. I pulled out the vacuum that she gave me the other day and completely broke down in tears. You never know when it's going to hit. Certain songs bring me to tears and there are some songs I can't sing all the way through without breaking down. I'm sure I'll be experiencing that for a while. But it's in that tender place that I hold her and will hold her always. Until the next time...

complaining

In my quiet spiritual time this morning, I was reminded about the toxic effects of complaining. That when you complain you give your power away to others. Good reminder. I found an interesting article on Complaining by Steve Pavlina that dives into the different aspects of how unhelpful complaining really is.