One of the exciting parts of leaving a situation in your life that isn't working is that it leaves lots of time and space for the things in your life to emerge and grow. But you have to be proactive. Which means maybe face some fear in order to take action steps in the direction of your dreams. Took some big ones this week.
There's this wonderful place in San Francisco called The Bazaar Cafe. It reminds of the bohemian cafes I've read about in Greenwich village in the 60's where all the poets, songwriters and artists would go to share their ideas, songs and inspirations. The BC has music and creative performances almost 7 days a week. And there's a little community of artists regulars who are always there, working on their stuff. One big rule they have is that NO COVERS are allowed to be played. It has to be all original music, or poetry, or comedy or whatever, but it has to be original. On Thursdays, they have an open mic for songwriters. Each songwriter gets 2 songs. Last Thursday, I signed up. I had the 8:22pm slot. Although, I have been singing professionally for over 10 years, I have never just sat down on a piano, in any kind of venue and played my songs by myself. Without a band, without someone else actually taking the piano chair, or teaching my songs to a guitar player and having he ( or she) play my song while I just sing. It's amazing how different it is to play and sing your own songs. It is the height of self expression. You can move and breathe with the song exactly as you want to. However, it's also a bigger risk. What if people don't like your song? When you play an old favorite cover song that you know everyone loves, you're almost guaranteed to get a positive response. The song does the work for you. An artist can almost hide behind the song that way. The song will win them over so your talent and skill sometimes doesn't even matter. Playing your own song, however, is a whole different dynamic.
I have wanted to do this forever but, alas, the little fear gremlin has been much too powerful. But this is the era of my taking on that little monster and busting through. The rewards are immense. The positive feedback I'm receiving is overwhelming. I have been offered a gig there. I'm on my way. The seed has been planted and with a just a little nurturing and watering it is already started to sprout. Very exciting. When you move in the direction of your dreams with integrity and honesty, the universe showers you with encouragent.
Another sprouting seed. My duet, DNA Sings . We played Friday night at Tiernan's. Gushing reaction from the crowd. Sold about 10 CD's, had an offer to do another show, it's like we cast a spell on the crowd. And even thought DNA does play covers, we put our own spin on them so there is room for artistic play. It's soooo rewarding to share your music and have it not only touch people but almost transfix them. To play a song, from the heart, and have it palpably elevate people's moods. It's the reason I do it. The music business can be so prickly that it's important to have these experiences to remind one why they wanted to play music in it in the first place.
ordering new DNA business cards...i know, what's a business card? Believe it or not they still come in useful from time to time.
It's Sunday, play day...have a great one. Enjoy!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
complaining
In my quiet spiritual time this morning, I was reminded about the toxic effects of complaining. That when you complain you give your power away to others. Good reminder. I found an interesting article on Complaining by Steve Pavlina that dives into the different aspects of how unhelpful complaining really is.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
wide open spaces
It's a beautiful Tuesday here in San Francisco. I'm well slept and looking ahead to how I'm going to create this day. I've recently had a pretty major life change. In November of 2010, I left a professional situation that I have been in for 5 years. I left because every bone in my body and every instinct that screamed at me kept telling me the same things. "You're not happy" and "You're destined for something else in this world". I could no longer ignore or shove down these voices. And as scary as it seemed, I had to make the change.
Another big change happened because a, shall we say, family duty that I have been in charge of for about 5 years finally came to nearing it's end. I have been the Administrator for my deceased uncle's Estate. He was my mother's brother. I did not know my uncle very well but I have a very small family, and due to the emotional chaos it was causing my mother, I offered to be Administrator. Boy, was I unprepared for what I had walked into. Let's just say I was completely unprepared for how crazy, mean, and unreasonable people can get in matters of money. I have been bullied, attacked and threatened by his former business partner. I have been legally bullied, harassed and terrorized by his former business partner's unscrupulous lawyer. And I have been constantly pulled to deal with what seem to be unending Estate Probate details. However, things are nearing a close and I, hopefully, will soon be totally free from that situation.
I also lost a very part time little job that I was doing on the side. I have these little side incomes to supplement my career during the slow times. The music business is very up and down and you have to be prepared for a few slow periods. I lost the job because the woman I was working for moved away.
As I reflect on it now, it's much more than a coincidence that these three situations were all in my life during the same 5 years and that they all ended in December of last year. All of them... I believe that when the universe converges on us like that, that it is more than random. I believe in the Law of Attraction, in the force of our energies, thoughts and desires. And the ability of all of these things to come together to dramatically change the circumstances in our lives. I believe that I am being given a gift from the universe to truly take on my own life. To take the reigns in a more definitive way than I ever have. To direct my own ship. To truly create the life I want to lead, not just scramble constantly in the life I find myself in. The universe has felt and heard how unhappy I have been for several years in all of these situations. And in one fell swoop...woooosh...I'm out of all of them. I didn't plan it that way. They all just randomly fell away at the same time.
So, I am now in a whole new place of discovery. I am here looking at my life as a big wide open space. A blank canvas ready for me to create and color it anyway I choose. It's unbelievably freeing but also very scary. It has made me aware of how convenient it is to have the drama in your life distract you from having to face the true inner you. All of the pain, confusion, anger, sadness, resentment, depression and apathy that was caused from the Big 3 ( as I will call the three situations that fell away) kept me constantly distracted from really looking at the true, authentic me. And my constant focus on one or all of the Big 3 certainly kept me from focusing, asserting and putting the Authentic, Fully Expressed me out into the world.
So here I am.
There are things I've always wanted to do but have been too afraid or self-critical to do. Play my own songs on piano live in concert. Ride a motorcycle. Start a blog. So now is my time. I'm on the path and I'm taking them on. I've passed a motorcycle training course and I'm soon to have my license. I've been sitting in at an open mic with my own songs and have been offered a gig there. I'm preparing for that and preparing to record my own album. And well, the blog, you know the answer to that.
I'm only about two months in since the Big Change. But already I'm sooooo reminded that fear is such a destructive little gremlin. It sounds and feels SO BIG when it's clamoring away in my head but when I just go ahead and do the thing anyway, I realize the fear has no real power. It's just a very persistant little gremlin that wants tons of attention. And it's my choice to feed it or to point my attention elsewhere. On possibility, on what I want, on how to get my thing done. The power of attention is enormous. It absolutely magnetizes and energized whatever we point it at.
So that's my goal for the day. My mantra.
"I will focus my attention on what I wish to create"
What will I create in my wide open space?
Another big change happened because a, shall we say, family duty that I have been in charge of for about 5 years finally came to nearing it's end. I have been the Administrator for my deceased uncle's Estate. He was my mother's brother. I did not know my uncle very well but I have a very small family, and due to the emotional chaos it was causing my mother, I offered to be Administrator. Boy, was I unprepared for what I had walked into. Let's just say I was completely unprepared for how crazy, mean, and unreasonable people can get in matters of money. I have been bullied, attacked and threatened by his former business partner. I have been legally bullied, harassed and terrorized by his former business partner's unscrupulous lawyer. And I have been constantly pulled to deal with what seem to be unending Estate Probate details. However, things are nearing a close and I, hopefully, will soon be totally free from that situation.
I also lost a very part time little job that I was doing on the side. I have these little side incomes to supplement my career during the slow times. The music business is very up and down and you have to be prepared for a few slow periods. I lost the job because the woman I was working for moved away.
As I reflect on it now, it's much more than a coincidence that these three situations were all in my life during the same 5 years and that they all ended in December of last year. All of them... I believe that when the universe converges on us like that, that it is more than random. I believe in the Law of Attraction, in the force of our energies, thoughts and desires. And the ability of all of these things to come together to dramatically change the circumstances in our lives. I believe that I am being given a gift from the universe to truly take on my own life. To take the reigns in a more definitive way than I ever have. To direct my own ship. To truly create the life I want to lead, not just scramble constantly in the life I find myself in. The universe has felt and heard how unhappy I have been for several years in all of these situations. And in one fell swoop...woooosh...I'm out of all of them. I didn't plan it that way. They all just randomly fell away at the same time.
So, I am now in a whole new place of discovery. I am here looking at my life as a big wide open space. A blank canvas ready for me to create and color it anyway I choose. It's unbelievably freeing but also very scary. It has made me aware of how convenient it is to have the drama in your life distract you from having to face the true inner you. All of the pain, confusion, anger, sadness, resentment, depression and apathy that was caused from the Big 3 ( as I will call the three situations that fell away) kept me constantly distracted from really looking at the true, authentic me. And my constant focus on one or all of the Big 3 certainly kept me from focusing, asserting and putting the Authentic, Fully Expressed me out into the world.
So here I am.
There are things I've always wanted to do but have been too afraid or self-critical to do. Play my own songs on piano live in concert. Ride a motorcycle. Start a blog. So now is my time. I'm on the path and I'm taking them on. I've passed a motorcycle training course and I'm soon to have my license. I've been sitting in at an open mic with my own songs and have been offered a gig there. I'm preparing for that and preparing to record my own album. And well, the blog, you know the answer to that.
I'm only about two months in since the Big Change. But already I'm sooooo reminded that fear is such a destructive little gremlin. It sounds and feels SO BIG when it's clamoring away in my head but when I just go ahead and do the thing anyway, I realize the fear has no real power. It's just a very persistant little gremlin that wants tons of attention. And it's my choice to feed it or to point my attention elsewhere. On possibility, on what I want, on how to get my thing done. The power of attention is enormous. It absolutely magnetizes and energized whatever we point it at.
So that's my goal for the day. My mantra.
"I will focus my attention on what I wish to create"
What will I create in my wide open space?
Sunday, February 20, 2011
taking the plunge
OK, here it goes, my first blog. Until now, I have been too afraid to blog. Afraid of what? Offending someone, revealing my true self, not being perfect, showing that I'm really not the person that everyone thinks I am, saying something that pisses someone off. The list goes on. It is now undeniably clear to me that I have been paralyzed by this fear and a myriad of different fears my whole life. What has caused these fears? The answer to that involves lying on the couch and unloading my entire life - my childhood, family dynamics, relationship choices, career, demons, desires, and disasters. Therein lies the reason I want to blog. It's time to get over all this shit and move on. Time to steer my own life, time to really take the reigns and step up to be the person I know I can be. Time to stop letting others some silently, some not so silently, control me. Time to bust out of the apathy, depression, procrastination and self-doubt that follows from allowing yourself to be controlled by others without even really being cognizant of it. But I have to get over this stupid, annoying, persistent little gremlin called "fear" in order to do it so here it goes....
Today is Sunday. I love Sunday because it is the day that I've chosen to be the day that I get to do anything I want. Lay around in bed all day surfing the net, walk around the neighborhood and buy natural face creams, watch movies all day, drink copious amounts of white wine ( it's the only alcohol I drink) ...whatever. I also allow myself to break my usual Anna food plan which basically consists of LOTS of vegetables, a little fish, fruits, whole grains, and a few glasses of wine.
I basically eat what I call a Pescetarian Mediterranean diet. Which is essentially the Mediterranean diet with fish as the only animal protein consumed. I've flirted with vegan ism because I'm a huge animal advocate but I just didn't feel satisfied with all of the processed soy products and all of my reading suggests that wild fish is VERY good for we humans. And frankly, I just feel better when I have a little piece of fish with my vegetable smorgasbord, that's just me. I think we each have to find what works for our bodies but I believe in conscience eating. Being aware of where your food comes from and what it does to your body. I completely support those who are vegan and learned a great deal when I adopted the vegan diet for awhile. It forever changed my conscientiousness. Like I've really dialed back my consumption of dairy products...and other things. I also enjoy eggs occasionally. So I look for eggs by local farmers with happy chickens. I eat very little cheese ( and I try to find organic happy farm cheese). I look for wild fish not farm raised. I don't eat chicken, beef or pork ( oh the poor sweet little pigs). I cannot support the torture chambers that these poor animals have to live in so I take a strong stand on that front. And p.s. - the Mediterranean diet is excellent for our skin. All that olive oil, fresh veggies and fruit is a super skin nurturing formula. Just read "The Wrinkle Cure"
Anyway, on Sunday, I allow myself all the foods that I gently turn away from during the week. Cookies, french fries, potato chips, veggie pizza etc... I believe that it's important to always allow yourself a day to let the steam out and indulge. Knowing that I have Sunday makes it easier to abstain during the week. If I see that huge beautiful sugar cookie with white frosting sitting so pristinely in the coffee shop on a Tuesday I just say to myself, "I can have it on Sunday" This helps me not feel deprived. This method has been extremely successful in keeping myself very lean, healthy, and happy.
I am a yogi. Yoga is the only physical exercise I do ( besides performing on stage which is a whole other blog). I believe yoga is the perfect physical activity ( again another blog).
So, here I am lying in bed, my sweet is next to me. It's 1:00pm on Sunday. My laptop is on my lap, the television is on in the background. Channel surfing between "The Sopranos" , the news and the "Palladia" Channel ( tons of cool live concerts - great research for my singer/songwriter/performer self. ) Right now we've just landed on the "HDNet" channel because it's showing a James Taylor concert. My favorite kind of concert. Just him and a guitar, with a little accompanyment from a pianist on a baby grand piano. Absolutely lovely. And right in line with my duet - "DNA Sings"
So I think that's it for now. Thank you for being here and sharing in my "coming out" party. The "coming out of my Authentic Self." That is the journey I'm on. The quest for, exploration of, and celebration of my Authentic Self. It's a big step for me. And I want to change my life. Every bone in my body says this is the first step. Again thank you...
Today is Sunday. I love Sunday because it is the day that I've chosen to be the day that I get to do anything I want. Lay around in bed all day surfing the net, walk around the neighborhood and buy natural face creams, watch movies all day, drink copious amounts of white wine ( it's the only alcohol I drink) ...whatever. I also allow myself to break my usual Anna food plan which basically consists of LOTS of vegetables, a little fish, fruits, whole grains, and a few glasses of wine.
I basically eat what I call a Pescetarian Mediterranean diet. Which is essentially the Mediterranean diet with fish as the only animal protein consumed. I've flirted with vegan ism because I'm a huge animal advocate but I just didn't feel satisfied with all of the processed soy products and all of my reading suggests that wild fish is VERY good for we humans. And frankly, I just feel better when I have a little piece of fish with my vegetable smorgasbord, that's just me. I think we each have to find what works for our bodies but I believe in conscience eating. Being aware of where your food comes from and what it does to your body. I completely support those who are vegan and learned a great deal when I adopted the vegan diet for awhile. It forever changed my conscientiousness. Like I've really dialed back my consumption of dairy products...and other things. I also enjoy eggs occasionally. So I look for eggs by local farmers with happy chickens. I eat very little cheese ( and I try to find organic happy farm cheese). I look for wild fish not farm raised. I don't eat chicken, beef or pork ( oh the poor sweet little pigs). I cannot support the torture chambers that these poor animals have to live in so I take a strong stand on that front. And p.s. - the Mediterranean diet is excellent for our skin. All that olive oil, fresh veggies and fruit is a super skin nurturing formula. Just read "The Wrinkle Cure"
Anyway, on Sunday, I allow myself all the foods that I gently turn away from during the week. Cookies, french fries, potato chips, veggie pizza etc... I believe that it's important to always allow yourself a day to let the steam out and indulge. Knowing that I have Sunday makes it easier to abstain during the week. If I see that huge beautiful sugar cookie with white frosting sitting so pristinely in the coffee shop on a Tuesday I just say to myself, "I can have it on Sunday" This helps me not feel deprived. This method has been extremely successful in keeping myself very lean, healthy, and happy.
I am a yogi. Yoga is the only physical exercise I do ( besides performing on stage which is a whole other blog). I believe yoga is the perfect physical activity ( again another blog).
So, here I am lying in bed, my sweet is next to me. It's 1:00pm on Sunday. My laptop is on my lap, the television is on in the background. Channel surfing between "The Sopranos" , the news and the "Palladia" Channel ( tons of cool live concerts - great research for my singer/songwriter/performer self. ) Right now we've just landed on the "HDNet" channel because it's showing a James Taylor concert. My favorite kind of concert. Just him and a guitar, with a little accompanyment from a pianist on a baby grand piano. Absolutely lovely. And right in line with my duet - "DNA Sings"
So I think that's it for now. Thank you for being here and sharing in my "coming out" party. The "coming out of my Authentic Self." That is the journey I'm on. The quest for, exploration of, and celebration of my Authentic Self. It's a big step for me. And I want to change my life. Every bone in my body says this is the first step. Again thank you...
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