The Magic of Speaking Your Truth

Embracing and Living Your TRUTH the first step to Living Authentically and Living your Power!!! 

I've spent a lot of time with self help books...oh have I! I didn't have the easiest childhood. Not because my parents weren't wonderful people who loved and adored me but because we moved around frequently and I was constantly adjusting to new towns, new schools, new ways to dress, new people. No, we weren't a military family, my father was changing professions from a jazz bass player in LA to a PHD in Psychology. We moved around all over the country in the process. So I had never had any long term friends or network of people around. And my parents, also affected by all the moving around, tragically had a very difficult time keeping their marriage working. So, sadly, they divorced when I was 11 years old. I'm an only child so they were pretty much it as far as my family and connections went. Along with our dog...Mojo 

My father was broken hearted and my mother fell into a loss of confidence and strength that devastated her . And worst of all, my mother and I eventually moved very far away from my father so I hardly ever saw him. My father and I were incredibly close so leaving him left me almost irreparably broken. I was flailing everyday trying to keep it together as I moved from Junior High to High School in yet another new school in a new city.  My only grounding anchor, my only safe bubble, my family had exploded and was shattered in front of my eyes. It shook me to my core. I lost my sense of self in those years. Lost my confidence, my self pride, my safety, my courage, my everything. 

It has taken me years, taken me really getting into adult hood and making what seems like endless mistake after mistake,  to really look internally and begin healing the broken pieces inside me. 

And only after a great deal of self reflection, self observation, and self-realization through yoga, meditation, endless self help books, therapy, talks with my father ( and my mother when she was alive), seminars and new age gurus, did I start to see my patterns and repeating issues clearly so I can begin to heal them. I am swimming in them and rebuilding as we speak. There are many things to work on but one little book in the sea of many self help books seemed to break me open somehow and cause a real "breakthrough."

I haven't had many of those kinds of breakthroughs. I'm always jealous of those I hear who had this breakthrough and their life changed over night. For me it's - I have the breakthrough mentally but can't really get the consistant behavior to match up with it. It's one step forward and two steps back. That's why this one little book was so powerful for me. It actually changed me as I was reading it. It caused me to act differently immediately within an hour of putting the book down after just a few pages. And I feel that the change has lasted, is here to stay,  and has most certainly improved my life for the better. The book is called: Know Your Truth, Speak Your Truth, Live Your Truth by Eileen R Hannegan. 

The reason I loved this book so much is that not only does it get to the heart of finding your Truth, but it emphasized the importance of "Speaking Your Truth." Of taking action on your truth and why that step is soooo important. I think it's not uncommon for a woman in a a male dominated profession ( the music business) to keep quite, smile and nod quite often when she is in her professional surrounding. I know I definitely did and it was constantly creating feelings of Anger and Victimization every day. Anger and Victimization are very close relatives, I find that they are always connected to each other in some way.

And it wasn't just in my profession. It was with my mother, my friends, my boyfriends, you name it. I was playing a role, a facade that wasn't me. The people pleaser. The go along to get along....God it's exhausting! And when I wouldn't speak my truth on a myriad of different topics in a myriad of different situations: politics, work, my needs, when I felt disrespected or disregarded etc, I would always walk away and get angry about it later. I would vent to my partner, my mom, my dad, my friends or my journal all the while not doing what I really needed to do which was speak the truth directly to the person or situation concerned.  It's a toxic pattern. Because you bring home all that anger and frustration and dump it on the wrong people or the wrong space.

Now, the other magical thing I discovered was that Speaking Your Truth doesn't mean "Going over there and giving that &%$$%$!!! a piece of my mind!!!" No that is rooted in VictimHood posturing as Powerful. No, the less angry and the more confidently calm and direct you are the better the results!! And the more you're really standing in your personal power. And no one has to hate each other or get in a big fight. Most of the time, I found that whoever the person involved was, was GLAD to do what I needed or asked. All I had to do was ask.

On top of that, you immediately gain RESPECT from the other person. I found that if you keep sending out the signal that you're not going to make waves or make demands, people will kind of roll over you expecting you to just go along with it. And the minute you actually, with poise and grace, or even humor ( very effective at times) make a stand or a request, they instantly fall in line like..."Oh..wow...ok...I didn't think it mattered to you" And now you have shown them differently and they will be different.

So I went from thinking that "Speaking Your Truth" was going to "make others mad" or "make everything uncomfortable" to feeling like "Speaking my Truth" is this amazing way to Live my Truth with Power and Confidence in my life ...I LOVE IT. And it instantly pops the "victimization" bubble. Really!! No joke! That pent up feeling of frustration and lingering anger or rage that builds up after walking away from a situation when you have swallowed your truth just disappears  I mean instantly! Totally transformative! I highly recommend it! It's magically life changing. And Empowering!

At the heart of my issues was the lack of feeling Powerful or Expressing my personal Power. Speaking your Truth just busts you into your Power. Beams you right to it! Life changing! Enjoy!

Maintaining Integrity in our Dialogue of Differences in the Cyber Scene

Democracy has within it a constant dialogue of differences. It's something we should cherish. And the onset of the Social Networks have given us a forum for dialogue on every subject all around the world. But I'm noticing something else about the social network. It's revealing something even deeper. It's revealing one's character. 

In between the lines of the topics that people post,  whether it be politics, activism, opinions on movies, Youtube shares or simple pics of importance, you get to see right there in front of you, colors of the character of the person who is posting. Character is defined by google as "The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual"  and defined by Merriam-Webster as "one of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual"   So...

People reveal their character in their posts and comments in the Social Network forum. If they post pics of their pets you know they love animals. If they post links to concerts on youtube, you know they value the experience of music. If they post links to NY times articles, you know they value being intellectually astute. If they post links to gun shows, you know they value the right to bear arms. If they mostly post to "brag" about something you know they value attention and impressing others,  if they post pictures of girls in bikinis in provocative positions, you know ....well...you know. But the beautiful thing about democracy is that everyone gets room to let their flag fly and be who they want to be and say what they want to say. But the thing that strikes me the most these days, is observing human reaction to other's self expression. Mostly if the reaction is adverse. And it always fascinates me when people choose to attack another's post that is distasteful to them rather than just "hiding" the post. 

Right now presents quite an opportunity to observe the character of others as fires are being stoked everywhere in the dialogue regarding the last election and current affairs. And now the Benghazi issue. 

Just today there was a post on Facebook asking how many other American consulates died in terrorist attacks in the previous administration? It was intended to question John McCain's latest platform. There was one person in particular who immediately piped with responses clothed in a hostile angry tone. See what I noticed was not so much his point but his TONE. His responses were constantly laced in angry and bullying language. And lots of Exclamation Points!!!!!  Every time he was met with a calm response to his angry response, he pushed the hostility further. Until he eventually got  personally insulting to the person who started the original post. At one point someone else piped in pleading that the tone be softened because of the sensitivity of the issue and those who had lost their lives in the attack. 

The tone in this particular dialogue was only inflamed by one person. The Angry Hostile one. Everyone else was keeping their cool and intelligently exchanging ideas and facts. The Angry One clearly stood out. So what stood out was his ANGER and CRUDE LANGUAGE not his POINT. If anything, the anger and language caused everyone else to disregard his points. He shot himself in the foot by letting his anger and crude words rule his response. He successfully lowered his respectability and validity.  His points would have been much more effective had he stayed calm and clear, and communicated his ideas with dignity and respect for others. He did not. And if he had stayed calm, what would the others have genuinely learned or been able to understand in a new way. He'll never know. We'll never know.

To me, that's the most secret and interesting and valuable part Facebook and these public chat forums. Not so much the opinions but the character of the persons behind the opinions. They reveal it in their words , tone and choices to use inflammatory language and insults... or not.  I've learned so much about people by watching how they conduct themselves in these public cyber forums. It's almost as if the distance between them and the other people, because it's happening on screen,  gives them a strange courage or permission to bully others or act inappropriately. And what is most noteworthy, is when I witness a behavior or color of character that I'd never seen in the person before when I was with them in person. It's like a Jekyll and Hyde or some dark Alter Ego comes out. Like the person I knew is just a public facade and this is who they really are. It's disconcerting and unsettling. But very informative at the same time. 

And as I watch the angry ones rant in their rambling and hostile responses, I feel like I'm just watching them reveal their insecurities and shortcomings.  It's uncomfortable not because I agree or disagree with their point but because I'm watching them voluntarily pull their pants down in front of others. 

It reminds me of the moment in Obama's first State of the Union address in January 2010 when Joe Wilson, the Congressman from South Carolina, yelled out "You Lie" in the middle of Obama's address. That moment revealed the content of the character of both men. And, in my humble opinion, Obama's character stood tall while Joe Wilson's withered. That was a very loud moment in political history because it was so disrespectful. To speak to a president like that is so clearly out of turn. And, as a result, Joe Wilson is the only House member ever to have been admonished by the chamber for speaking out while the president was delivering a speech, according to the Office of the House Historian. A week after the incident, the House passed a resolution, largely along party lines, saying Wilson's conduct was a breach of congressional decorum that brought "discredit to the House."

But speaking to each other like that in CyberVille gets a pass? I know the two forums aren't even close to equal, but it's the basic principle of being respectful to each other as individuals. 

I'm not at all saying that we can't get angry and express it. Or whine and complain or just let out emotions. It's absolutely human to do that. I'm not saying suppress true feelings or "act positive" or deny our own truth. It's essential that we embrace our true feelings and let them out.  That we dig into topics that concern us and stand by our truth and convictions. That we stand up for what we feel is right and wrong. That we explore and uncover our shadows and darknesses and transform them through expression.  I try to do it in my songs, in my writing, in my journaling, in my art. I'm a big believer of authentic expression. But in this post, I'm strictly addressing the "art of conversation" and "interest in communication" with others. And the way we dialogue about our differences. And particularly the phenomenon that happens in "cyber behavior" when we dialogue about our differences. And why in cyber behavior people lose their dignity in their expression and resort to attacking and directly hurting others as a tactic.

So why is it that "cyber behavior" is suddenly void of all the rules of "social behavior." It's ok to insult, degrade, bully, and belittle because we're not officially in each other's presence? Where does that switch live that we switch on and off in ourselves? How is that it is acceptable in one's own mind to be polite and calm when in the physical presence of others but rude and hostile in cyber presence? 

MLK so eloquently stressed the importance of being judged by "content of character." And I wonder if  we wouldn't all advance in intellect and citizenship if we raise our character when discussing important issues rather than lowering it? By standing in dignity and integrity in our behavior "cyber" and otherwise? By respecting the differences of others rather than belittling them. 

My best conversations are with my friends with whom I might disagree on certain issues but our mutual respect keeps the conversation on a level where we both listen and learn. I cherish those conversations and believe I grow the most from them. 

 I will continue to be fascinated by those who voluntarily reveal the weakest and most unpleasant parts of their character so recklessly and sloppily on FB. Maybe it is a mirror for all of us to keep the checks and balances in place for ourselves? To give us an opportunity to raise ourselves rather than lower ourselves. To help rather than hurt. To create rather than destroy. To see that ultimately, we're all in this together and bonding over our similarities rather than fighting over our differences might be the first step to real change. And most of all, to keep getting better. 

Complicated Grief

So I finally saw "The Descendants." ( Spoiler alert by the way...) I'm not sure why no one had explained to me how appropriate this movie was for me to see. Appropriate for anyone who has lost a loved one suddenly, with no warning, in a way that leaves the survivor nothing but a trail of complicated emotions to figure out. I feel like I've been floating on this solitary island in the middle of the ocean being the only one in the history of "loved ones lost" that has such complicated , conflicting and confusing emotions about the death of my mother.

Well, "The Descendants" drove fiercely straight into the bulls eye of the heart of that exact topic. Like no movie I've ever seen. Exposing the deep, dark and ugly side of being angry at the one who died for actions they did that betrayed you. In the movie, the husband ( George Clooney) only finds out his wife had been cheating on him after she is in a coma and is not expected to recover. And their relationship had been strained for years for which he was experiencing extreme regret. And they have two daughters who have to process this as well. Whew...heavy shit. Then the movie dives straight into the deep end of the pool of the messy side of life. But what really struck me was the fine, delicate, fragile, volatile phenomenon that occurs when one doesn't have "closure" with the one who died.

Let's talk about "closure" and the lack there of it. My mother died alone, in her house, suddenly within minutes, unexpectedly on a Monday morning. Monday, March 7 to be exact. The one year anniversary just passed and I basically stayed in bed for a week being inexplicably tired. Hmmm ...wonder why? I leaned on Xanax for a bit but that just numbs me out more and I miss my juicy, sparkly natural energy. Even if it is wrought with anxiety at times, at least anxiety is energy. Excitement even. But I was trying to just feel better. Trying to cover up the constant undercurrent of sad that exists in me from this sudden YANK of my mother from my world.  Trying to numb the constant feeling that on March 7, someone cut off one of my limbs. Trying to hide from the voices that keep telling me that I'm a horrible person, a bad daughter and a basically worthless person.

Because something more insidious than just the "loss" or "absense" of her is what has been really dominating the depths of me. What has really consumed me and eaten me up is all of the unfinished stuff. Recent frictions not fully healed, plans never realized ( our trip to Europe - she never got a chance to use her passport...ever), harsh words said to her now ringing in my head in a thick cloud of regret and shame, ways she supported me that i never fully got to pay back, and accomplishes of mine that she will never get to see.

But accompanying these regrets of mine, is anger. Anger at her. Anger at her for certain things that I found out, after her death,  that she had done and said that I didn't know about. Things she had said about me, untruths she spread to justify her emotional states, information she kept from me, opinions and comments about my mate, her inability to ever really share me with anyone else thus making it virtually impossible for me to have a successful relationship, and irresponsible, selfish demands she put on me her whole life. Keeping me basically chained to her...

This huge buffet of unfinished tangled topics and emotions are mainly attributed to the lack of "closure"with her. It is a HUGE bunch of stuff to have piled on you on top of the sheer shock of the person suddenly vanishing from your life. It made me think that the natural slow deterioration of the human body as it gets older is nature's way of sending out the signal to everyone that this person is starting to fade, and will be out of our life soon so now is the time to say everything you want to say and clean anything up with this person so you can say goodbye with peace, calm and ease. Allowing you to continue your journey in this lifetime with a clean conscious and settled karma. So it feels like a cruel suckerpunch left hook when the person is just yanked away with no warning at all. Why why why??!! I kept asking myself that. WHY? No warning? No phone call that she's in the hospital so I can run to her and be with her, hold her hand, look her in the eyes and tell her I love her. So we can clean up this nonsensical garbage that might be lingering between us. Nothing??!! It's almost unbearably frustrating at times.

And then there are the people who say they can "feel" their deceased loved ones around them "all the time". Little signs in the house that they've been there. That the person talks to them. That the presence of the deceased is always there. Well I've felt none of that. The only thing that comes remotely close is my cat, Smokey. Who was hers. Whom I bonded with very strongly the night my mother died. Smokey was probably right next to my mother when she slipped away. The only one with my mother when she slipped away. I slept with Smokey every night at my mom's house while I was handling all the details. For three months, Smokey and I hung in there together and got through it. I simply had to adopt Smokey and keep her with me. We became war buddies in this unexpected tragedy. There for each other every night, comforting each other's pain. Sometimes I wonder if my mom is in Smokey because they have similar tendencies. She wants my attention all the time. Prefers when it's just she and I alone. Is extremely attached to me. Wants to play with me and only me. I swear to God, this cat is the closest thing to my mother I've felt.

But in reality, I think my mother's soul is long gone on the next journey. I think she's frolicking, playing  free and I don't think she's here with me. Maybe I'm wrong, I hope she can do both. I hope she can frolic about in wonderland and visit me as well. But I haven't felt her visit me. And it has just made me feel that weird lonely isolated island feeling when I hear everyone talk about all the times that they feel the deceased around them. I'm jealous. I call bullshit. Why dont I feel that? Is she ashamed that she left me with a bit of a mess? Is she afraid to come around? Do I have to fully forgive and be at peace before I'll feel her? Do I have to create my own closure before she'll visit me from the far away magical land she's flying in?

These questions float through my head every day. This big luggage bag follows me around to my gigs, shows up in my songs, causes tears out of nowhere and is basically causing me to reinvent myself. Reincarnate if you will.
Is this the lotus flower evolving out of the mud?
Is this the new growth after a burn?
Is this what we're really here to learn?
Is this the love we have to earn?
Is this the juicy part of the path?
Is this beyond math?
Will i learn to simply choose love? It's so hard when drowning in mud?
When I'm in the most tender place, blanketed in soft grace, the only air i feel, is hers to help me heal...

I miss you mom, I will always love you. And I want to fly with you in that magical land...some day some day...

Grounded in the Core

I haven't written in a very long time. The ebs and flows I've experienced since last year's tragedy has definitely affected my drive to blog, my drive to write, my drive to do anything but stay home in bed with my cat.  But the new year is starting out very well for me. I'm singing quite a bit. Lot's of singing work. Many private parties, events and concerts that keep the money coming in and keep my instrument hot. I'm also back to my studio writing new songs and recrafting older songs in preparation for recording. It feels great to be motivated to go back to my art, soul project. My original music. 

I've been headed back to yoga on a more consistent basis as well. I've found 2 teachers that I really enjoy and I bounce back and forth between their classes. Finding the right teacher is everything. The wrong teacher can really sour what would have been a wonderful yoga experience. If the teacher is pushing too hard or too caught up in the "workout" of it forgetting about the connected flow that must remain, yoga can be painstakingly unpleasant. And you can easily injure yourself. So I stick with the teachers I know, or I do my own practice at home. But there is something very focusing about going to a class. No phones or computers to distract me and I'm not constantly distracted by what I want to clean in my apartment. So going to a class helps me focus my full mind on the practice. So last night I went to one of my favorite classes and here was my experience: 

It's dark out side, everyone is getting off of work and bustling to get home. A few of us committed yoginis carve our way to the 8pm yoga class. It's never as packed at the 6pm classes because, by that time,  most people would rather be at home watching the Thursday night onslaught of favorite programs on the couch. 

We all wait in the lobby while the other class finishes up. Then at around 7:45, the door opens. Sweaty calm bodies start slowly walking out into the lobby as we pass them walking into the studio. The room is very hot and moist from the previous class. The lights are dim. I find a corner spot by a buddha statue and a candle. I love the dark yoga classes. It helps foster the moving meditation that is supposed to accompany yoga. I settle in my spot, get my bolster, my block,  my strap, all the tools that can be used to enhance or support my practice. 

I am very very tired tonight. Dangerously tired. Have to be careful driving the car, tired. Left my purse in the lobby of the yoga studio tired…it was still there when i was done, i completely spaced. At times like that i feel truly protected by some other force. I have periods like this. Suffocatingly tired. It effects my productivity and life goals. The tiredness is usually accompanied by depression, apathy, and a general malaise. Do i have bi polar disorder?? Is it a swing state of my hormones because it is approaching that time of the month? Is it still the fallout from the grief of losing my mother? I never know but I usually HATE being tired and i get irritated and depressed because of it. But tonight, I decided to take a little Tolle with me. Eckart Tolle. In “The Power of Now”, my favorite book of his, a common theme that runs through it is “Resistance”…”Resistance to what it.” Tolle attributes this resistance to most of human suffering. That we simply won’t accept the moment as it is, we want it to be different, we fight it, push it, yank it, and try to drag it into what we WANT it to be rather than just accepting what it is. I was certainly feeling that way this evening. I so desperately wanted to have the “electric” energy that I have when I’m in a ‘high period” . But instead I released the resistance and just went with it. 

I began the class very slowly and gently and only going as far as it felt good. I didn’t push every asana( yoga pose) to it’s furthest degree. I stayed right in the middle and took frequent rests. It worked magic. It didn’t really take my tiredness away but it helped me to have a very enjoyable class.  Not fighting myself, just rolling through it. And actually it was a more focused, meditative class because my mind was simply to tired to be jumping around like a monkey. 

Many say that it is in these tired moments that we find clarity or discoveries. Because we just allow the moment to be what it is. So as it happened, I had one of those epiphanies about midway through the class. I realized that all of the asanas are more grounded and still when i really focus on my Core. Which means the stomach. keeping the muscles of your stomach engaged to act as an anchor for your body. Then all of your limbs ( arms and legs) just grow from that grounded solid place. Many of us see the “tricks” of yoga poses. The arms and legs flying out, the impressive poses. And all we see are the flashy parts. We don’t see the rock solid core that has to be engaged to really make the asanas happen truthfully. When i focused on the core , all of the asanas were easier, more fluid and more grounded. 

Then it hit me, the metaphor for life. If we stay grounded within ourselves as we go about our day. We are less likely to be thrown off of our center. Less likely to be yanked into someone else's drama. Less likely to get all worked up by the other drivers. Less likely to lose our temper. Less likely to feel overwhelmed by our jobs, tasks, and daily bumbling. These epiphanies hit me all of the time in yoga. This is one of the reasons I love it so much. It is truly a constantly moving metaphor for life. All things we face on the mat can be related to that which we face in our lives. Our monkey minds, our egos, our self criticism, our difficulties just staying in the moment and most importantly the importance of our breath. Staying grounded in our breath, our core. 

At 9:30pm the class came to it’s close. We were all lying in shavasana ( corpse pose) where you are just lying on your back, arms and legs at diagonals so you look like a long star, eyes closed and letting the heaviness of your body just sink into the earth.  Although, I was operating at half mass all night, I was very glad I went. And the calm, centered , relaxed feeling stayed with me as I left the class and got into my car to drive home. Another wonderful part of yoga. You come out of the class floating in a calm centered place. 

I knew I would sleep well, and I did. 

So tonight, I have a gig with a big band extravaganza. I'll stay rested and calm today and bring a little yoga to the stage :-) 

til next time ( which we be MUCH sooner than the last time) be well

namaste, 

ciao