Maintaining Integrity in our Dialogue of Differences in the Cyber Scene

Democracy has within it a constant dialogue of differences. It's something we should cherish. And the onset of the Social Networks have given us a forum for dialogue on every subject all around the world. But I'm noticing something else about the social network. It's revealing something even deeper. It's revealing one's character. 

In between the lines of the topics that people post,  whether it be politics, activism, opinions on movies, Youtube shares or simple pics of importance, you get to see right there in front of you, colors of the character of the person who is posting. Character is defined by google as "The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual"  and defined by Merriam-Webster as "one of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual"   So...

People reveal their character in their posts and comments in the Social Network forum. If they post pics of their pets you know they love animals. If they post links to concerts on youtube, you know they value the experience of music. If they post links to NY times articles, you know they value being intellectually astute. If they post links to gun shows, you know they value the right to bear arms. If they mostly post to "brag" about something you know they value attention and impressing others,  if they post pictures of girls in bikinis in provocative positions, you know ....well...you know. But the beautiful thing about democracy is that everyone gets room to let their flag fly and be who they want to be and say what they want to say. But the thing that strikes me the most these days, is observing human reaction to other's self expression. Mostly if the reaction is adverse. And it always fascinates me when people choose to attack another's post that is distasteful to them rather than just "hiding" the post. 

Right now presents quite an opportunity to observe the character of others as fires are being stoked everywhere in the dialogue regarding the last election and current affairs. And now the Benghazi issue. 

Just today there was a post on Facebook asking how many other American consulates died in terrorist attacks in the previous administration? It was intended to question John McCain's latest platform. There was one person in particular who immediately piped with responses clothed in a hostile angry tone. See what I noticed was not so much his point but his TONE. His responses were constantly laced in angry and bullying language. And lots of Exclamation Points!!!!!  Every time he was met with a calm response to his angry response, he pushed the hostility further. Until he eventually got  personally insulting to the person who started the original post. At one point someone else piped in pleading that the tone be softened because of the sensitivity of the issue and those who had lost their lives in the attack. 

The tone in this particular dialogue was only inflamed by one person. The Angry Hostile one. Everyone else was keeping their cool and intelligently exchanging ideas and facts. The Angry One clearly stood out. So what stood out was his ANGER and CRUDE LANGUAGE not his POINT. If anything, the anger and language caused everyone else to disregard his points. He shot himself in the foot by letting his anger and crude words rule his response. He successfully lowered his respectability and validity.  His points would have been much more effective had he stayed calm and clear, and communicated his ideas with dignity and respect for others. He did not. And if he had stayed calm, what would the others have genuinely learned or been able to understand in a new way. He'll never know. We'll never know.

To me, that's the most secret and interesting and valuable part Facebook and these public chat forums. Not so much the opinions but the character of the persons behind the opinions. They reveal it in their words , tone and choices to use inflammatory language and insults... or not.  I've learned so much about people by watching how they conduct themselves in these public cyber forums. It's almost as if the distance between them and the other people, because it's happening on screen,  gives them a strange courage or permission to bully others or act inappropriately. And what is most noteworthy, is when I witness a behavior or color of character that I'd never seen in the person before when I was with them in person. It's like a Jekyll and Hyde or some dark Alter Ego comes out. Like the person I knew is just a public facade and this is who they really are. It's disconcerting and unsettling. But very informative at the same time. 

And as I watch the angry ones rant in their rambling and hostile responses, I feel like I'm just watching them reveal their insecurities and shortcomings.  It's uncomfortable not because I agree or disagree with their point but because I'm watching them voluntarily pull their pants down in front of others. 

It reminds me of the moment in Obama's first State of the Union address in January 2010 when Joe Wilson, the Congressman from South Carolina, yelled out "You Lie" in the middle of Obama's address. That moment revealed the content of the character of both men. And, in my humble opinion, Obama's character stood tall while Joe Wilson's withered. That was a very loud moment in political history because it was so disrespectful. To speak to a president like that is so clearly out of turn. And, as a result, Joe Wilson is the only House member ever to have been admonished by the chamber for speaking out while the president was delivering a speech, according to the Office of the House Historian. A week after the incident, the House passed a resolution, largely along party lines, saying Wilson's conduct was a breach of congressional decorum that brought "discredit to the House."

But speaking to each other like that in CyberVille gets a pass? I know the two forums aren't even close to equal, but it's the basic principle of being respectful to each other as individuals. 

I'm not at all saying that we can't get angry and express it. Or whine and complain or just let out emotions. It's absolutely human to do that. I'm not saying suppress true feelings or "act positive" or deny our own truth. It's essential that we embrace our true feelings and let them out.  That we dig into topics that concern us and stand by our truth and convictions. That we stand up for what we feel is right and wrong. That we explore and uncover our shadows and darknesses and transform them through expression.  I try to do it in my songs, in my writing, in my journaling, in my art. I'm a big believer of authentic expression. But in this post, I'm strictly addressing the "art of conversation" and "interest in communication" with others. And the way we dialogue about our differences. And particularly the phenomenon that happens in "cyber behavior" when we dialogue about our differences. And why in cyber behavior people lose their dignity in their expression and resort to attacking and directly hurting others as a tactic.

So why is it that "cyber behavior" is suddenly void of all the rules of "social behavior." It's ok to insult, degrade, bully, and belittle because we're not officially in each other's presence? Where does that switch live that we switch on and off in ourselves? How is that it is acceptable in one's own mind to be polite and calm when in the physical presence of others but rude and hostile in cyber presence? 

MLK so eloquently stressed the importance of being judged by "content of character." And I wonder if  we wouldn't all advance in intellect and citizenship if we raise our character when discussing important issues rather than lowering it? By standing in dignity and integrity in our behavior "cyber" and otherwise? By respecting the differences of others rather than belittling them. 

My best conversations are with my friends with whom I might disagree on certain issues but our mutual respect keeps the conversation on a level where we both listen and learn. I cherish those conversations and believe I grow the most from them. 

 I will continue to be fascinated by those who voluntarily reveal the weakest and most unpleasant parts of their character so recklessly and sloppily on FB. Maybe it is a mirror for all of us to keep the checks and balances in place for ourselves? To give us an opportunity to raise ourselves rather than lower ourselves. To help rather than hurt. To create rather than destroy. To see that ultimately, we're all in this together and bonding over our similarities rather than fighting over our differences might be the first step to real change. And most of all, to keep getting better.