wide open spaces

It's a beautiful Tuesday here in San Francisco. I'm well slept and looking ahead to how I'm going to create this day. I've recently had a pretty major life change. In November of 2010, I left a professional situation that I have been in for 5 years. I left because every bone in my body and every instinct that screamed at me kept telling me the same things. "You're not happy" and "You're destined for something else in this world". I could no longer ignore or shove down these voices. And as scary as it seemed, I had to make the change.

Another big change happened because a, shall we say, family duty that I have been in charge of for about 5 years finally came to nearing it's end. I have been the Administrator for my deceased uncle's Estate. He was my mother's brother. I did not know my uncle very well but I have a very small family, and due to the emotional chaos it was causing my mother, I offered to be Administrator. Boy, was I unprepared for what I had walked into. Let's just say I was completely unprepared for how crazy, mean, and unreasonable people can get in matters of money. I have been bullied, attacked and threatened by his former business partner. I have been legally bullied, harassed and terrorized by his former business partner's unscrupulous lawyer. And I have been constantly pulled to deal with what seem to be unending Estate Probate details. However, things are nearing a close and I, hopefully, will soon be totally free from that situation.

I also lost a very part time little job that I was doing on the side. I have these little side incomes to supplement my career during the slow times. The music business is very up and down and you have to be prepared for a few slow periods. I lost the job because the woman I was working for moved away.

As I reflect on it now, it's much more than a coincidence that these three situations were all in my life during the same 5 years and that they all ended in December of last year. All of them... I believe that when the universe converges on us like that, that it is more than random. I believe in the Law of Attraction, in the force of our energies, thoughts and desires. And the ability of all of these things to come together to dramatically change the circumstances in our lives. I believe that I am being given a gift from the universe to truly take on my own life. To take the reigns in a more definitive way than I ever have. To direct my own ship. To truly create the life I want to lead, not just scramble constantly in the life I find myself in. The universe has felt and heard how unhappy I have been for several years in all of these situations. And in one fell swoop...woooosh...I'm out of all of them. I didn't plan it that way. They all just randomly fell away at the same time.

So, I am now in a whole new place of discovery. I am here looking at my life as a big wide open space. A blank canvas ready for me to create and color it anyway I choose. It's unbelievably freeing but also very scary. It has made me aware of how convenient it is to have the drama in your life distract you from having to face the true inner you. All of the pain, confusion, anger, sadness, resentment, depression and apathy that was caused from the Big 3 ( as I will call the three situations that fell away) kept me constantly distracted from really looking at the true, authentic me. And my constant focus on one or all of the Big 3 certainly kept me from focusing, asserting and putting the Authentic, Fully Expressed me out into the world.
So here I am.

There are things I've always wanted to do but have been too afraid or self-critical to do. Play my own songs on piano live in concert. Ride a motorcycle. Start a blog. So now is my time. I'm on the path and I'm taking them on. I've passed a motorcycle training course and I'm soon to have my license. I've been sitting in at an open mic with my own songs and have been offered a gig there. I'm preparing for that and preparing to record my own album. And well, the blog, you know the answer to that.

I'm only about two months in since the Big Change. But already I'm sooooo reminded that fear is such a destructive little gremlin. It sounds and feels SO BIG when it's clamoring away in my head but when I just go ahead and do the thing anyway, I realize the fear has no real power. It's just a very persistant little gremlin that wants tons of attention. And it's my choice to feed it or to point my attention elsewhere. On possibility, on what I want, on how to get my thing done. The power of attention is enormous. It absolutely magnetizes and energized whatever we point it at.

So that's my goal for the day. My mantra.
"I will focus my attention on what I wish to create"

What will I create in my wide open space?